You Can Be a Mental Health First Responder

As mental health providers, we have witnessed the positive impact that mental health first aid can have on individuals. While many companies may have a designated person or team to handle mental health concerns, employees themselves can also be a valuable resource for providing support and assistance to their peers.

There’s no substitute for situations that need long-term professional counseling, but here are 5 simple steps that people can take to provide mental health first aid to their friends and colleagues that will make a difference:

Step 1: Start by observing and listening.

The first step in providing mental health first aid is to observe and listen to your colleague. Pay attention to any changes in their behavior, such as increased irritability, withdrawal from social situations, or a decline in work performance. It’s important to approach the conversation with an open mind and without judgment, allowing your colleague to express themselves freely.

Step 2: Ask questions and express concern.

Once you have observed changes in your colleague’s behavior, it’s important to ask questions and express concern. You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately, is everything okay?” This shows your colleague that you care and are willing to listen.

Step 3: Normalize and Validate their feelings.

When your colleague expresses their feelings, it’s important to validate them. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel the way they do. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and I’m here to support you.”

Step 4: Provide resources.

While you may not be a mental health professional, you can still provide your colleague with resources and support. This may include offering to help them find a therapist, suggesting support groups or hotlines, or providing information on employee assistance programs. The key is letting your friend or colleague know that it’s okay to get some help and you’re willing to guide them.

Step 5: Follow up.

After your conversation with your colleague, it’s important to follow up with them. This shows that you care and are invested in their well-being. You can check in with them regularly, offer to accompany them to appointments or support groups, or simply ask how they’re doing.

We’re in this together.

Mental health first aid can be an effective way for employees to support their peers. By observing, listening, asking questions, validating feelings, providing resources, and following up, employees can play an important role in helping their colleagues navigate mental health challenges. Remember, it’s okay to not have all the answers, but offering a listening ear and showing support can make all the difference.

If you or someone you know is going through a tough time and needs counseling services, reach out to our New Client Intake Team to schedule an appointment using our Contact Us form. You can also call us at 206.459.7994 to speak to a team member.

By Dennis Eames, LMFT

As I observe couples in my office, it has become painfully obvious how frequently two people are having two completely different arguments at the same time. They both think their partner is in the same argument fighting for an opposing view. But while the husband is trying to convince his wife of one thing the wife is trying to convince him of something vastly different. Often, if they were understanding each other, they would know they were in agreement.

Sometimes we truly are arguing opposing points. Frequently however we agree with each other but are trapped in a painful cycle of fighting two vastly different arguments. John and Mary were one of the couples that helped teach me this. During one particular session, John was arguing that they should get a divorce because Mary is not happy and he doesn’t think she will ever be happy with him. Mary was arguing that they should get a divorce because John feels forced to stay married and she doesn’t want to be with someone who obviously doesn’t care about her or want to be with her. At one level they were both arguing about whether to get a divorce. On a deeper level, neither wanted a divorce but both thought their partner advocating for getting one. John was fighting for what he thinks will make Mary happy. He cared more about her happiness than his own and he was afraid she would never be happy while married to him. He was willing to let her go so she could find happiness. Mary, on the other hand, was fighting for what she thinks John wants. She was afraid that he doesn’t care about her anymore and wants to be rid of her. She was also afraid John feels forced to stay married because of the kids and was afraid of living with his possible resentment of her. As the three of us talked in my office, as Mary and John talked to me they each shared their position as directly as I’ve described it above. But when they turned to talk to each other it came out backwards. When I asked John to turn and tell Mary what he’d been telling me – that when he agreed to divorce, his motive was to make her happy because her happiness is important to him, not because he wants to divorce her – their self-protective cycle took over and radically different words came out. He looked at Mary and said, “Like I told you, I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign. We can’t keep doing this just for the kids.” Not surprising, Mary heard the old message that John doesn’t love her and has only stayed married for the kids. Later in the session, when I asked Mary to turn and tell John what she had just described to me – that she suggests divorce because she worries that he doesn’t want her anymore – reactive words came out instead. “It is because of you. You are only married to me for the kids. I heard you tell my sister that. And I don’t want that kind of marriage. Go ahead and leave.”

Fortunately, in most EFT sessions, these instinctive protective strategies are noticed, and partners get help identifying the blocks that keep him or her from risking when they turn to talk to their partner. They are often able to go back and share in a new way, a more vulnerable and open way. Unfortunately for John and Mary, neither felt safe enough that day to risk setting aside their self-protective strategies long enough to get into the same conversation.

This is difficult to admit, but I could recognize my clients stuck in the pattern long before I could notice it at home. I vividly remember the first time I noticed I was having a different argument than my wife in the middle of a “Borg Attack,” (one of our names for our painful cycle). I was standing in our kitchen in Alaska with Kim. I had my back to the sink. She was facing me over by the fridge. She was wearing her white top with thin light blue vertical lines. (I rarely notice what anyone is wearing. But my brain retained insignificant details because it attached huge importance to this change event.) I suddenly realized I was trying to convince Kim that I was not a bad husband.

The conflict started with me thanking Kim for doing the dishes. I remember the moment of awareness when realized I was trying to convince her of something. Then I asked myself, “What am I trying to convince her of?” My answer was “I want to convince her that I’m not a bad husband (one of my core fears) and get her reassurance that she didn’t see me as a bad). If I could explain and convince her that I didn’t have the horrible thoughts about her that she seemed to be telling me I did, then she would know I was a good husband and she could help convince me that I wasn’t bad. For the first time in the midst of a conflict, it was completely clear to me, that I was trying to convince her of something she already believed- that I’m a good husband. (By that point I had heard her tell me that dozens of times in sessions with our own EFT therapist.) That awareness freed me to clearly see that she was having a completely different argument. I was then able to tune into the argument she was having and hear her desperate plea to get me to tell her she was not worthless or unlovable (two of her core fears). This realization in that moment changed the rest of the conversation and many conversations since.

Most of my life I have been fighting (and losing) a core fear that that I am not good. It comes in numerous variants. One of the most frequent is that I am not capable of saying or doing the right thing thus I hurt other people with my words. In that conversation, when Kim complained (protested) about the pain she had at that moment she was battling her own fear that told her she would be alone/without my support because she was worthless and unlovable. She got scared that I wouldn’t want to be with her, so she reached for my help to fighting the lie by trying to get me to reassure her/convince her that I thought she was worth being with and that her pain mattered to me. I don’t remember exactly was said, but I can imagine, since that cycle has repeated itself a half a million times or more in our relationship 30 years together.

I imagine it was something like this…

As I walked into the kitchen I’m thinking, “Good, there’s space in the sink so I can fill my water bottle easily. I’m glad I’m not primarily responsible for keeping the dishes done anymore. Kim’s been doing her share of the chores for quite a while.” Sigh of relief, then I say, “Thanks for doing the dishes.” (If I hadn’t see it happen in my office so often, it would shock me that giving a complement could start a fight.)

Kim hears my sigh and thinks to herself, “I should have done them last night. I’m so lazy. You’re saying I suck cuz you agree I should have done them last night not a few minutes ago. You agree that I’m a lazy worthless bitch that doesn’t deserve your love.”

Outside Kim says, “Your right, I suck! I should have done them last night!” (reaching for reassurance by putting herself down).

Inside I think: “what, she thinks I just put her down. She believes that I think horrible things about her all the time. I must have said “thank you” wrong.”

On the outside I say defensively: “What did I say! I didn’t say that” (defending myself and trying to convince her I’m not the jerk she thinks I am).

Normally our cycle would have continued to run the show and the argument would have continued until one of us stopped off. But that day, our painful cycle didn’t win.

Because I was seeing this pattern in my office, it helped me recognized it at home. Once I recognized we were in our cycle, I figured out that I was trying to convince Kim of something that she already believed about me and tuned into Kim’s fear. I was able to get in sync with Kim and join her conversation (once I joined her it was no longer an argument). It went something like this:

“I think I just noticed the Borg was attacking. I’m sorry I was arguing with you.” Pause. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re afraid that you’re lazy and worthless?

“Um.” pause “Yeah.”

“Would you like some help or reassurance from me?”

 “I don’t know.”

“I’m here.”

Pause. “Can you? Can you reassure me that you don’t think I’m a lazy, worthless person?”

“Of course.” I open my arms to offer/invite a hug and we hold each other as I say, “You’re not a lazy person. Of all the times you have wanted to quit on life, you never have given up! I know you’re disappointed with yourself for not having done the dishes sooner, and right now, with your medical issue, it’s taking most of your energy just to get through work. I’m not going to reject you or abandon you because you didn’t do the dishes last night, or for any other reason.”

The hug lingers and then we continue with our morning feeling connected and accepted. We didn’t even need to talk about my version of the argument because once I recognized my need, I knew it had already been met. There have been times since that day that I have been the one needing to ask for reassurance and she has given it just as freely.

The Borg (our painful cycle) has been kicked out of our Galaxy! It still makes occasional attempts to invade our marriage, but we have gotten good at teaming up with each other and beating it together like we did in the kitchen that day. Learning to notice when we are having different arguments at the same time has helped us notice when our old cycle is trying to take over. If you would like help recognizing when you and your partner are arguing different cases at the same time, and other warning signals that you are trapped in your painful conflict or disconnection cycle, you can ask one of the EFT therapists at Navigate for assistance.

What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Will my therapist try to make me cry?

When prospective clients hear that their therapist provides Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) the responses vary widely. People on one end of the spectrum may experience a sense of comfort hearing the term. They may be familiar with EFT, or they just like the idea that someone will focus on and hear their feelings. For people on the opposite end of the spectrum, hearing the term may trigger significant discomfort as they imagine someone examining their non-existent emotions and trying to get them to cry every session. Regardless of where you fall on this range, knowing what to expect as you start emotionally focused therapy can be helpful.

EFT has become the gold standard of therapy for couples (EFCT), and more recently adaptations have been developed for working with families (EFFT) or individuals (EFIT). This article will focus on EFT for couples.

During EFCT, partners describe a pattern of the same basic argument happening over and over regardless of topics.  They can’t stop the cycle. The more they try to make things better, the worse they seem to get. During EFT sessions the therapist and couple work together to understand this pattern, the actions or moves each partner makes, their beliefs about themselves and their partner, the emotions that influence the pattern, and what their partner’s actions in the pattern mean to them. One way to think of the role of an EFT therapist is that of a process consultant. We help you identify and understand the processes that keep you stuck and invite new experiences that create change in the relationship.

Where do emotions fit into all of this? Will my therapist try to get me to cry or gush warm fuzzy sentiments every week? No. Some clients shed tears in session from time to time, others never do. The emotion in EFT is because the process gives privilege to our emotions, particularly our softer, more risky emotions like sadness and worry. In addition, the process will also involve a significant amount of logic and cognitive understanding. We focus on emotion because they produce the music that move us and must be part of any change.

Many of us look at the world through logical lenses and avoid emotions. One engineer describes a constant flowchart model in her head, always evaluating, if I do this, the possible outcomes are, and my possible responses to each, and on and on and following each possible action out to its potential result. She wanted me to tell her the flowchart path that would result in the outcome she desired – for her husband to be happy and secure. Early on in therapy she would sometimes demand, “Just tell me which path I should take.” Months later she told me, “You were right. You couldn’t have given me the steps to get here. I had to experience and feel this for myself. I couldn’t have reasoned my way here.” As we learn to experience and organize our emotions and our partner’s we can begin to change and build a secure, passionate, and engaged relationship.

“Emotionally” is the word that sticks out to most people when they hear of EFT, but “Focused” is equally important. EFT therapists keep their focus on the goal and the steps and moves that are proven to help couples reach that goal. The goal varies somewhat from couple to couple and may include something like getting out of their constant conflict loop, feeling secure, connected, and accepted in their relationship, or understanding their partner and being understood. EFT is a general roadmap to the process as well, and an EFT therapist stays focused on the journey guided by that map.

Sometimes couples come to therapy expecting to spend an hour complaining about their partner (or being complained about) and for the counselor to agree with their assessment on who’s right and who needs to be fixed. Others come expecting to be taught skills, so they can communicate better. A good EFT therapist won’t leave you to complain most of the session, and they won’t coach you on communication skills (although, you will probably develop some new skills in the process). Instead, you will spend your sessions tracking what happens between you and your partner during times of conflict, tension, or disconnection. You can think of this as kind of a play-by-play of what happens. At its basic level it could go something like this:

Husband complained about wife being late,
Then wife defended herself and explained why,

Then husband raised his voice and coached her on how to avoid being late,

And then wife gave up and stepped out of the room.

For a humorous example of a conflict cycle play by play look up “Every Fight Ever Studio C”

You will also spend time focusing on noticing yourself: your thoughts and beliefs, feelings or physical sensations, emotions, images or metaphors of your experience, and actions or impulses to do or say something. At times you will be asked to share what you are noticing about yourself with your partner in a new way. And you will talk about what the experience of sharing and hearing was like for each of you.

With that in mind, there are some things a skilled EFT therapist won’t do.

EFT therapists do not fix problems or help you solve problems. For starters no person can be the expert on what is best for every person on the planet. Also, we believe that when you and your partner come together against the painful cycle, you can solve any challenge together.
We won’t spend much time talking about past events. The primary focus will be what is happening in the here and now between partners, often during the present session.
EFT Therapists do not engage in “find the bad guy” conversations. We will sometimes talk about past or recent events that have happened but never to establish who is at fault or what should have been done.

EFT provides a roadmap (https://hmtlmg.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/eft-roadmap_infinity-1.pdf)  for therapists. With your help, EFT therapists will come to know your destination. We know the conversations and experiences that you will need to visit on the way there. This roadmap is based on science, logic, and reason. It has proven to be effective for most couples in long-term, follow-up studies. Your therapist will have their own style of navigating this journey with you and will tailor the process to you and your partner individually, because no one else has your same story or experience.

At the end of that journey is a secure connection where you can disagree and have conflict

with little or no concern for the future of the relationship. And, at times when you do get worried about the relationship or pulled back into the old pattern, you will be able to reach for and receive reassurance, contact, or comfort because you have already created the route. You will have driven the route multiple times with your therapist and can now find your way on your own, even when you get lost on the way.

I wish you the best if you decided to start an EFT journey of with your partner. Navigate Family Therapy has multiple therapists with extensive EFT training and experience, including an EFT Trainer, an EFT Supervisor Candidate, three Certified EFT Therapists, and others on the road to certification.

-Dennis Eames

Navigate Family Therapy not only seeks to support our clients and the community with the best resources in relational, emotional and mental health, but we are also passionate about providing excellent faith-integrated Continuing Education training for the clinicians in the Greater Seattle Area. In December we wrapped up our 3-part series with Dr. James Furrow formerly the Marriage and Family Therapy Department Chair at Fuller’s School of Psychology and internationally recognized Trainer for Emotion Focused Therapy. Jim focused us in on intentional, ethical and self-care considerations for integrating our faith into our work.

This past week we began our new series on Technology, where we will be examining it’s impact our relationships and overall well-being. Dr. Craig Detweiller, President of The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, formerly of Pepperdine and Fuller Theological Seminary, has brought his cutting-edge research and expertise on technology, faith and relationships to our cohort of clinicians. We are feeling challenged and fueled by the relevance of this training, not only for our clients but for our own lives as well.

We are now in process of creating next year’s calendar of speakers which means it is time to begin thinking about registration for the 2019-2020 cohort as our group fills up fast. What you can count on as a clinician each month is being taught by wise and highly respected experts in the field, surrounded by relational, empathic clinicians to build community and feel honored in your faith. This has become a unique and special experience for equipping clinicians with all their needed CEU’s for licensure in the most meaningful, practical and encouraging ways. Join our waiting list for more information.

It seems many of us are facing some of the hardest things we have had to go through in life. In my own community we have walked through loss of parents, unexpected illness, struggling kids, major life transitions, financial hardship and difficult identity concerns. There is just no way to avoid the hard things that we all face. But what we can do is buffer ourselves with some new ways of thinking in the New Year. You may have hit the ground running with the New Year’s resolutions, or maybe you are still yawning and blinking a bit that 2019 has dawned. Some of us can’t wait for an excuse for new goals and resolutions, and others of us loathe the idea, preferring to keep steady on our course, not set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations or failure. Regardless of where you land, we know that all of us are wired for an intentional life that feels purposeful and meaningful, and this can be one of our greatest coping mechanism for dealing with the hard things of life.

With that in mind we have created our Navigate Intentionality worksheets to encourage you to look back with intentional reflection and ahead with meaningful purpose.

We want to encourage you to take a mindful moment for your own personal well-being. We know that with presence and purpose we are more likely to live the life we envision for ourselves and therefore experience higher levels of gratification. With the Looking Back worksheet we are encouraging you to take stock of the good things in your life that you experienced in the past year. It is important to take stock of our history, to learn and grow, and to appreciate the goodness of our lives. In the Looking Ahead worksheet we continue with similar themes to take a holistic

view of your life, take stock of your hopes and dreams, and put thoughtfulness to your intentions for the year ahead.

Find a comfortable place to settle in with a good cup of coffee or another healthy or delicious beverage. You may choose to be outside in nature or under a cozy blanket, have a candle lit beside you or some soft music playing. Let your senses and attention become focused on this moment, set your phone aside and immerse yourself in attending to your own thoughts

Take a moment first to fill out the Looking Back worksheet. Was there a word that spoke to you or became a theme? Think of the things that have brought you goodness this past year reflecting on many areas of gratitude. Was there a quote or verse you found especially meaningful or guiding? Nd finally Take note of a special memory list the ways you lived well, with intention. This is a chance to take stock, give credit, break free from the regret and second guessing we often do when looking back. You may want to tuck this into a drawer or journal or even upload to your files to review when you need to remind yourself of the goodness of your life. Our family rolled these into scrolls, tied them with twine and put them in a jar to be opened this time next year.

Next, take some time to fill out the Looking Ahead worksheet. If there is a word that is speaking to you for the year, note that on top. Then make an intention for your spiritual (soul), biological (body), intellectual (mind) and social/emotional (heart) well-being. As wholistic clinicians we are always aware and assessing these areas of life for your overall health. Note a quote or verse that can bring you encouragement, and in that bottom left box note as many areas of gratitude in your life that you can squeeze in to keep in sight when life gets hard. Then creates some intentions or notes about things you want to learn or accomplish, how you will make the world a better place and experienced you’d like to have. Here we become clear about some things we can look forward to, which invites us into living into our days with expectation and purpose.

You can do this once to stay steady on your course for the year, or maybe you make 12 copies and fill them out at the beginning of each new month to keep up with the ways your life and intentions may change over time. Either way, we know that if we take time to write down the things that matter to us and keep them visually in front of us we are more likely to live into and accomplish what we have set our minds to. Display this on a visual board, tape it to a mirror or near wall calendar, or tuck it into a planner where you will see it regularly and remind yourself to live your best life.

The one thing we all have in common is that life can be very hard. But life can also be so good. Mindfulness is a way to buffer ourselves from the struggles and find resilience. Mindfulness is one way all of our clinicians at Navigate are able to you in overcoming obstacles and living the life you intend. Reach out today for trusted support on your journeys.